Needing To Be Understood Makes Software Professionals Dislike You
Ever feel like others are turned off by you before you’re even able to fully explain yourself? I've struggled over my career to be understood.
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Does it seem like others are turned off by you before you’re even able to fully explain yourself? Today I’d like to share 4 behaviors that stem out of our fear of being misunderstood. These can cause other software professionals to dislike and not want to work with you!
Demanding Re-Explanation
A parent will sometimes ask a child “OK, tell me what I just said” to make sure they understand. If you do this to an adult on your project, it sends the signal that you don’t think of them as very intelligent. It also comes across as condescending.
Instead, make sure the other person understands the essence of what you’re saying. If they know enough to take action, move on.
Nitpicking
It’s tempting when we’re insecure in some way about our skills to take apart what others say and demand it to be phrased how you would. This comes across as needy, and though you might think it demonstrates your mastery of the knowledge, it turns people off.
As with the above point, when the other person chooses to use different words than you, but they are basically saying the same thing, let it go – they get it.
Over-communicating
In our desire to make sure we’re understood, we can sometimes verbally vomit our ideas onto a person and overwhelm them. It takes a lot of energy to have technical conversations, so plan wisely and only communicate the minimum information needed to get the other person to take the actions needed.
Abusing Apologies
In our desire to help other people feel comfortable with us, we can sometimes abuse apologies. Saying “sorry” for a mistake you made, and owing up to it, is a good idea. But if others are upset with you about something you didn’t do or had no control over it, never apologize. If you do, it sets the precedent they can use you as a punching bag.
Resources
- How To Win Trust For Your Software Development Ideas
- “Free Ambient Loop” by Sweet Wave Audio
- “Sonic Drifting” by Ron Gelinas
- “All The Beauty (original ambient version)” by Jani R
About the Healthy Software Developer show.
On the show, Jayme shares all of his teamwork and leadership strategies, guidelines for healthy company culture, and stories about real projects so you can have a sustainable career in the software industry.
Develop a mindset and habits to keep you calm so you still love writing code - avoiding the traps most developers fall into.
Jayme Edwards
A family man and veteran of over 30 software projects, Jayme experienced many wins and losses that led him to helping developers succeed in their careers online.